I recently found this fun thing online called the Love Calculator. It’s really simple. You just put in two people’s full names, and it tells you the likelihood (as a percentage) that their relationship will work out. It will give you the same result for the same two names every time, in either order, so it’s not just random, it would seem.

Here are some of my results.

Girlfriends:

1. First girlfriend (HS): 47%
2. Second Girlfriend (JB): 45%
3. Third Girlfriend (LL): 65%
4. My fiancee (SS): 92% [Oh yeahhh…]

Hollywood:

1. Salma Hayek: 69%
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones: 76%
3. Jessica Alba: 71%
4. Fujiwara Norika: 76%
5. Jenna Jameson: 14%

Friends (Homosexual):

1. Russell: 87% [How much of that 13% has to do with him being in Japan? The implications are frightening!]
2. Jamie: 43% [Bah.]
3. Wilson: 87% [Russell has competition!]
4. Carl: 19% [I always knew it could never work out between us]
5. Wayne: 59% [I just can’t really trust him…]
6. Lenny: 15% [I know too much.]
7. Greg: 13% [He’s a foul-mouthed sailor, dammit.]
8. Brad: 91% [Uh oh! Song Shen has competition!]
9. Micah: 46% [Better than Jamie, I guess.]
10. Alf: 68% [Better than 69.]

Family (not right):

1. Myself: 91% [An alternative to Brad as backup lover?]
2. Dad: 91% [Dammit!]
3. Mom: 69% [My own mother or Salma Hayek? It’s a toss-up.]
4. Maiden name Mom: 86% [No Back to the Future scenarios for me… bad things could result.]
5. Amy: 59%
6. Grace: 73%

This experiment has come to an end. I am secure in the kowledge that I have chosen the right person… but just barely. It might be a bloody battle for my love between myself, Dad, and Brad in her absence, though.

[Note: there is one glaring omission that must not be talked about. Ever.]